I Think He Is Ghosting Me?…

Dear Mrs Vito,

I work in the City and was bumping into a guy during my commutes, slowly our smiles turned into “Hellos” and
our “Hellos” turned into conversation, exchange in numbers and meet ups for drinks etc.

We get on so well, and I’ve been enjoying getting to know him.
But there are times when contact has been non existent. The 1st time it started to happen, it was only a few days with out contact, which I felt was normal, as we live busy lives. Then it was weeks with out contact and finally months.boyfriend is never around
When i’ve asked, he just says he has been busy, or he had to travel for work etc, but if he likes me why cant he just keep me posted? 

Dear Anon,

My general rule of thumb is that if someone is “ghosting” on you, they are not worth your time!

I believe that when he is around, he probably does like spending time with you. However that “Like” hasn’t caused him to respect your time, effort, or availability enough.

The act of “ghosting” on a person indicates that they are not that interested. What he is successfully doing is creating more confusion, by disappearing and then randomly appearing with no real justification; “busy” isn’t good enough, we are all busy, but you chose to make time. This behaviour is also quite controlling, because you are always waiting on him, there’s no equal footing in this dating-relationship.

Your over availability allows for him to come in and out of your life. He knows you are interested in him, because you are willing to entertain him even after his disappearing act. Set boundaries to safe guard your heart before you are too vested. You deserve more than the minimum he is offering, he should at least be trying to match your efforts with more consideration, quality time, care, respect, communication, trust, appreciation and friendship.

No one is saying that you can’t travel for work or personal reasons, but it is common courtesy to communicate your whereabouts with those that you love and care for. A basic act of respect by sending an e-mail, making a call or sending a text to state that you are out of town etc, is not too much to ask from anyone. But when someone thinks that they don’t have to, they won’t.

His “ghosting” sounds like its a habit, he may not be like this with everyone, but from what he is showing you, its unacceptable.
It wouldn’t be wise for you to accept such behaviour from him, because in the long run he could easily leave for longer and not think he needs to tell you where he is going or when he’ll be back. What you accept now, you will have to live with and will ultimately pay for later.

Mrs Vito

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One thought on “I Think He Is Ghosting Me?…

  1. I think people tend to forget just how complex dating can be if it is with the wrong person. As you mentioned the absence of putting value in your time means that other people can take advantage of your vulnerability and ghost on your availability. I suppose more frustrating is that it’s a trend that seems to be, becoming more usual than just telling someone “actually I don’t think I can invest as much time in this relationship as I had hoped. Please give me time to make clear to myself exactly what my priorities are and forgive may careless approach to something that means a lot to you”- See how easy that was… Maybe the hardest thing you can do but being a ghost will always haunt someone. Nice one Mrs Vito.

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