She’s Changed

Transitioning and navigating from single-hood to a relationship, especially when you know it’s a serious relationship can be hard.
Ideally at this time you want your friends and family to get on with your chosen guy/girl. But what if they don’t?

I personally picked a guy that truly challenged my perceptions, norms and comfort zone. In my opinion to an extreme, except he wasn’t an extremist. Because, if I’m harsh with myself  I was ok with playing it safe.

Of course I had goals, ambitions and was driven. Yet not being a huge risk taker meant I often stayed within my comfort zone.

Never one to start a fight, or unsettle a situation. He definitely instilled more confidence in me to stand up for myself, voice my opinion and make a change.

From the outside this can easily be viewed as someone changing, or that they are not being themselves. But what if it was always in them? Just that no one had taken the time to empower, encourage, affirm or build them?

It’s great when people generally support, challenge and typically want the best for each other, lifting each other to higher standards.

We are called “not to conform to the world” but to be “transformed by the renewing of our minds”, my then boyfriend and now husband was certainly trying to get me to challenge my understanding of conforming and renewing. Our conversations were geared towards uprooting negative thought patterns and in their place planting God’s word. Provoking growth in me, personal development and encouraging my relationship with God. Yet it worked both ways, I too was challenging his perspectives, advising him on how to be a better person, seeing the greatness in him and encouraging it.

Sometimes going through such a process may be uncomfortable, you may lose and gain friends. But know that walking, thinking and actualising God’s plan for your life may go against the grain, of everything you think you’ve always known.

And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you]” Romans 12 v 2 Amplified Bible (AMP)

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Enslaved to Daydreaming

Dear Mrs Vito,

What would you say to someone who feels enslaved to daydreaming and a desire to be in a relationship?

Daydreaming about Relationships

 

Dear Anon,

Daydreaming is a tool used by people to take themselves away from the “here & now”. When daydreaming  you tend to dream of ‘better days’ or desired/intended adventures and the like. Day dreams are usually fantasies, ideals and such, about your life and future. They can at times be unrealistic, which is why I believe you have to be very careful, especially if you feel enslaved by them.

Daydream – A series of pleasant thoughts that distract one’s attention from the present.

 ‘she was lost in a daydream’ – oxforddictionaries.com

When it comes to relationships, we all have ideals and expectations, reality hits once you then find yourself in a relationship; you now have ‘real’ (sometimes) unappealing or unattractive things to deal with. i.e You fantasied that the person of your dreams would automatically know why you are upset and immediately know the right thing to say to make you feel better. Yet in reality that doesn’t happen, we work at getting to know people. Loving and respecting them enough to express that you are upset and why – no one is a mind reader!

Or, you fantasise about having a “nice guy”, someone that will treat you right, yet in reality, you can’t stand the fact they are “so nice” and think something is wrong with them, don’t feel they can be trusted or you walk all over them…?

Instead of having your ‘head in the clouds’ or fantasising about relationships, it would be in your best interest to turn that into meditating on the truth about about relationships. Truthful, realistic expectations on characteristics of a spouse and things that you may desire in life.

So its not bad to want/desire to be in a relationship. But what are you focusing on?
Are you daydreaming that the guy has to be “sexy” (..tall, dark and handsome etc) or are you meditating on how you desire for a prayerful man that serves God?
There’s a difference!

Many a man proclaims his own loyalty and goodness, But who can find a faithful and trustworthy man? – Prov 20v6

A few recommendations for getting yourself out of the enslaved feeling of daydreaming:

  • It might seem hard, but try and stop day dreaming about relationships. When you catch yourself daydreaming, seize the thought /dream and check it. See if it’s healthy or unhealthy by the standards that you understand God to place on relationships.
  • Read more books on relationships. You want to get yourself ready for the right mindset and replace the daydreams with meaningful meditations that you’ll now have from the book/s.
  • Talk/befriend those in relationships or married couples. To get a better picture on what expectations they had and how they overcame them.
  • Find a way to walk-in/develop/practice/find out/actualise your purpose. When you are occupied with Gods work /your passion, you’ll have less time to worry about relationships. Guys will see you in your element, see what an amazing worker you are and be attracted to the passion you show. It’ll also help identify similarities or an appreciation for what you do and who you are.

Mrs Vito

He Suffers From Housework Allergies

Dear Mrs Vito, 

My Husband and I have been married for a year now, we had a beautiful wedding and an even better honeymoon. We both work and have busy schedules, but make time for each other, from going out, having dates nights to chilling at home. I don’t feel like i’m asking for much but he seems to be allergic to helping out at home. For example, if we’ve both been at work, and i get home i’ll make us a meal, it would be nice if he at least washed up, but he doesn’t. Its almost like he expects me to do everything, its a “woman’s role” is what he said once. I do most, if not all of the house work and literally have to beg and plead for him to help, which he calls “nagging”. Lately I’ve given up and do it all, but its a real issue for me, because i feel like he is taking me for granted. To be honest, i didn’t think he would be like this.

man-cooking

Dear Anon,

When two individuals (independent in thought & behaviour) live together from two different backgrounds, you’re bound to have teething problems. Remember, you have both been taught how to do the same thing in different ways, i.e you are used to washing and drying the plates, meanwhile he had a dishwasher. Or living in a family whereby things are done for you, compared to where you have to share chores, all play a part on how you see yourself carrying out such tasks in the future. Also if you take into consideration past independent living skills, i.e if he lived alone he would have had to tackle housework at some point, but if he still lived with family, before marriage someone would do it eventually.

Sometimes its not that he can’t do these things, its that he won’t/doesn’t, and that’s probably what you resent. He may be aware that you want him to help out around the house because you “nag”him. Not the best way he could describe it, as i’m sure this term doesn’t make you feel good. Yet, unless you spell out your thoughts, he may not be aware that its driving a wedge between the two of you.

If we believe that husbands and wives are partners in love and life then this needs to reflect in day to day activities; discussions need to be had on what we priorities and why. If one of you priorities the need for a clean home, then so should the other. Is not acceptable for your husband to think “if she’s going to do it, then why do I need to do it”. Understandably you’ll feel unappreciated and resentful.

Communication is key, I would suggest having a conversation with your husband; not the typical “you need to wash up more”, but about how you are feeling, why you are feeling that way and what could help to make things better. Its easy to assume that when you get married, things will fall into place, “a wife or husband should know their duties” but without articulating what your expectations are, we can not expect the other person to read our mind. What might be obvious to you, is not to the other person. When you start to shift your thoughts to align with that notion, the more at peace you should feel.

You may also benefit from:

  • Writing a list of the things that need to be done around the house, and agree on who will do what. Optional, but this can be switched regularly so that you both get a go at different tasks.
  • If you both encourage/praise each other once tasks are completed, it will affirm your efforts and you are more likely to feel happy about helping out.
  • Share tasks, as this can allow you to bond, i.e. cook a meal together at least once a week.

Once you don’t feel like you are doing all the work, i’m sure you’ll start to feel better.

Mrs Vito