Did She Find Someone Else?

Dear Mrs Vito,

I fell in love with my close female friend of many years. We decided to maintain a long distant relationship, when we went to different Universities in different countries. However now that I’ve graduated and shes still studying, contact is non existent. If we do communicate, mainly initiated by me, she shuts me out, i feel like shes now interested in someone else. 

 

Found Someone Else

Dear Anon,

For a couple that was in love, having non existent communication is a red flag of concern. Usually we find that our instincts are right.

Long distance relationships always need more effort in quality time, communication & care expressed. Unfortunately, distance wasn’t the only factor working against your relationship. University and the exploring of new experiences, activities, friends as well as studies, always effects relationships (positively & negatively). Its one thing to try and stay focused on your degree, but add an active social life and now we’ve got to make sacrifices.

Ideally, the love /care/concern that she is supposed to have for you, should reflect in her actions. A simple text/ quick call to check in on friends, family, people you care about is not that difficult & is easy to do, if that person wants to.

You’ve been doing the right thing, at least you have tried to keep in contact and made yourself available for communication, unfortunately you can not force someone else to do the same.

You may have to accept that she may have found someone else or is no longer interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. Either way, it would be unfair to ask or expect you to put your plans on hold for no guarantees. Be careful to not chase someone that doesn’t want to be chased, nor prioritises you in the same way.

Mrs Vito

I Think He Is Ghosting Me?…

Dear Mrs Vito,

I work in the City and was bumping into a guy during my commutes, slowly our smiles turned into “Hellos” and
our “Hellos” turned into conversation, exchange in numbers and meet ups for drinks etc.

We get on so well, and I’ve been enjoying getting to know him.
But there are times when contact has been non existent. The 1st time it started to happen, it was only a few days with out contact, which I felt was normal, as we live busy lives. Then it was weeks with out contact and finally months.boyfriend is never around
When i’ve asked, he just says he has been busy, or he had to travel for work etc, but if he likes me why cant he just keep me posted? 

Dear Anon,

My general rule of thumb is that if someone is “ghosting” on you, they are not worth your time!

I believe that when he is around, he probably does like spending time with you. However that “Like” hasn’t caused him to respect your time, effort, or availability enough.

The act of “ghosting” on a person indicates that they are not that interested. What he is successfully doing is creating more confusion, by disappearing and then randomly appearing with no real justification; “busy” isn’t good enough, we are all busy, but you chose to make time. This behaviour is also quite controlling, because you are always waiting on him, there’s no equal footing in this dating-relationship.

Your over availability allows for him to come in and out of your life. He knows you are interested in him, because you are willing to entertain him even after his disappearing act. Set boundaries to safe guard your heart before you are too vested. You deserve more than the minimum he is offering, he should at least be trying to match your efforts with more consideration, quality time, care, respect, communication, trust, appreciation and friendship.

No one is saying that you can’t travel for work or personal reasons, but it is common courtesy to communicate your whereabouts with those that you love and care for. A basic act of respect by sending an e-mail, making a call or sending a text to state that you are out of town etc, is not too much to ask from anyone. But when someone thinks that they don’t have to, they won’t.

His “ghosting” sounds like its a habit, he may not be like this with everyone, but from what he is showing you, its unacceptable.
It wouldn’t be wise for you to accept such behaviour from him, because in the long run he could easily leave for longer and not think he needs to tell you where he is going or when he’ll be back. What you accept now, you will have to live with and will ultimately pay for later.

Mrs Vito

He Won’t Wear Protection

Dear Mrs Vito,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months and despite my love for him I’m worried about us. I’m a Christian and believe in no sex before marriage, however we’ve found ourselves not keeping this principle.
From the beginning I’ve told him what I wanted and even suggested he go to the Clinic, but he always makes excuses. He also doesn’t like wearing protection and I don’t feel listened to.

Dear Anon,

We all need to be accountable for our own actions and take responsibility for what we do or don’t do. You need to work on your self confidence and self esteem, because no one should make/force you to do things you do not want to do. Yet your desires not being respected is a red flag. What stands out to me is that you have certain beliefs and morals around sex, which I presume you wanted to uphold and unfortunately, for whatever reason they were compromised. I understand that “things can happen” in the heat of a moment, yet, we do not have to allow such mistakes to become our new principle. You really put yourself at risk of STIs, HIV & Pregnancy (to name a few).

What doesn’t help is that your boyfriend doesn’t seem to value your views nor does he sound like he is upholding your wishes. If this is something that is important to you, you need to stand up for yourself. Making a suggestion that he gets tested, only to have him regularly give excuses, is unacceptable.

In the June 2015 Heath Protection Report, it states that:

  • In 2014, there were approximately 440,000 diagnoses of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) made in England
  • The impact of STIs remains greatest in young heterosexuals under the age of 25 years

When two adults consent to enter a relationship, they really need to take the appropriate time out to learn about each other. Not just the usual likes & dislikes, but your faith beliefs, morals, family background, goals, views on male/female roles etc.

I suggest talking to him about how you feel, and how having sex before marriage, let alone unprotected is not something you want. A healthy relationship needs Love, Respect, Honesty, Trust, Active Listening & Communication to say the least. Are you getting this?

If you believe that God designed sex for marriage (1 Corinthians 7 v 2 / Hebrews 13 v 4) and you both don’t agree on this, is it a deal breaker for you?

Ask yourself (& each other); Is this relationship honouring God? Are you both willing to abstain and put boundaries in place? Does he bring out the best in you? Is he willing to Love you in the right way? (1 Corinthians 13 4- 8) Are you honestly happy with how things are going?

Mrs Vito