He Suffers From Housework Allergies

Dear Mrs Vito, 

My Husband and I have been married for a year now, we had a beautiful wedding and an even better honeymoon. We both work and have busy schedules, but make time for each other, from going out, having dates nights to chilling at home. I don’t feel like i’m asking for much but he seems to be allergic to helping out at home. For example, if we’ve both been at work, and i get home i’ll make us a meal, it would be nice if he at least washed up, but he doesn’t. Its almost like he expects me to do everything, its a “woman’s role” is what he said once. I do most, if not all of the house work and literally have to beg and plead for him to help, which he calls “nagging”. Lately I’ve given up and do it all, but its a real issue for me, because i feel like he is taking me for granted. To be honest, i didn’t think he would be like this.


Dear Anon,

When two individuals (independent in thought & behaviour) live together from two different backgrounds, you’re bound to have teething problems. Remember, you have both been taught how to do the same thing in different ways, i.e you are used to washing and drying the plates, meanwhile he had a dishwasher. Or living in a family whereby things are done for you, compared to where you have to share chores, all play a part on how you see yourself carrying out such tasks in the future. Also if you take into consideration past independent living skills, i.e if he lived alone he would have had to tackle housework at some point, but if he still lived with family, before marriage someone would do it eventually.

Sometimes its not that he can’t do these things, its that he won’t/doesn’t, and that’s probably what you resent. He may be aware that you want him to help out around the house because you “nag”him. Not the best way he could describe it, as i’m sure this term doesn’t make you feel good. Yet, unless you spell out your thoughts, he may not be aware that its driving a wedge between the two of you.

If we believe that husbands and wives are partners in love and life then this needs to reflect in day to day activities; discussions need to be had on what we priorities and why. If one of you priorities the need for a clean home, then so should the other. Is not acceptable for your husband to think “if she’s going to do it, then why do I need to do it”. Understandably you’ll feel unappreciated and resentful.

Communication is key, I would suggest having a conversation with your husband; not the typical “you need to wash up more”, but about how you are feeling, why you are feeling that way and what could help to make things better. Its easy to assume that when you get married, things will fall into place, “a wife or husband should know their duties” but without articulating what your expectations are, we can not expect the other person to read our mind. What might be obvious to you, is not to the other person. When you start to shift your thoughts to align with that notion, the more at peace you should feel.

You may also benefit from:

  • Writing a list of the things that need to be done around the house, and agree on who will do what. Optional, but this can be switched regularly so that you both get a go at different tasks.
  • If you both encourage/praise each other once tasks are completed, it will affirm your efforts and you are more likely to feel happy about helping out.
  • Share tasks, as this can allow you to bond, i.e. cook a meal together at least once a week.

Once you don’t feel like you are doing all the work, i’m sure you’ll start to feel better.

Mrs Vito

Did She Find Someone Else?

Dear Mrs Vito,

I fell in love with my close female friend of many years. We decided to maintain a long distant relationship, when we went to different Universities in different countries. However now that I’ve graduated and shes still studying, contact is non existent. If we do communicate, mainly initiated by me, she shuts me out, i feel like shes now interested in someone else. 


Found Someone Else

Dear Anon,

For a couple that was in love, having non existent communication is a red flag of concern. Usually we find that our instincts are right.

Long distance relationships always need more effort in quality time, communication & care expressed. Unfortunately, distance wasn’t the only factor working against your relationship. University and the exploring of new experiences, activities, friends as well as studies, always effects relationships (positively & negatively). Its one thing to try and stay focused on your degree, but add an active social life and now we’ve got to make sacrifices.

Ideally, the love /care/concern that she is supposed to have for you, should reflect in her actions. A simple text/ quick call to check in on friends, family, people you care about is not that difficult & is easy to do, if that person wants to.

You’ve been doing the right thing, at least you have tried to keep in contact and made yourself available for communication, unfortunately you can not force someone else to do the same.

You may have to accept that she may have found someone else or is no longer interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. Either way, it would be unfair to ask or expect you to put your plans on hold for no guarantees. Be careful to not chase someone that doesn’t want to be chased, nor prioritises you in the same way.

Mrs Vito

I Think He Is Ghosting Me?…

Dear Mrs Vito,

I work in the City and was bumping into a guy during my commutes, slowly our smiles turned into “Hellos” and
our “Hellos” turned into conversation, exchange in numbers and meet ups for drinks etc.

We get on so well, and I’ve been enjoying getting to know him.
But there are times when contact has been non existent. The 1st time it started to happen, it was only a few days with out contact, which I felt was normal, as we live busy lives. Then it was weeks with out contact and finally months.boyfriend is never around
When i’ve asked, he just says he has been busy, or he had to travel for work etc, but if he likes me why cant he just keep me posted? 

Dear Anon,

My general rule of thumb is that if someone is “ghosting” on you, they are not worth your time!

I believe that when he is around, he probably does like spending time with you. However that “Like” hasn’t caused him to respect your time, effort, or availability enough.

The act of “ghosting” on a person indicates that they are not that interested. What he is successfully doing is creating more confusion, by disappearing and then randomly appearing with no real justification; “busy” isn’t good enough, we are all busy, but you chose to make time. This behaviour is also quite controlling, because you are always waiting on him, there’s no equal footing in this dating-relationship.

Your over availability allows for him to come in and out of your life. He knows you are interested in him, because you are willing to entertain him even after his disappearing act. Set boundaries to safe guard your heart before you are too vested. You deserve more than the minimum he is offering, he should at least be trying to match your efforts with more consideration, quality time, care, respect, communication, trust, appreciation and friendship.

No one is saying that you can’t travel for work or personal reasons, but it is common courtesy to communicate your whereabouts with those that you love and care for. A basic act of respect by sending an e-mail, making a call or sending a text to state that you are out of town etc, is not too much to ask from anyone. But when someone thinks that they don’t have to, they won’t.

His “ghosting” sounds like its a habit, he may not be like this with everyone, but from what he is showing you, its unacceptable.
It wouldn’t be wise for you to accept such behaviour from him, because in the long run he could easily leave for longer and not think he needs to tell you where he is going or when he’ll be back. What you accept now, you will have to live with and will ultimately pay for later.

Mrs Vito