Tag: Dating

Enslaved to Daydreaming

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Dear Mrs Vito,

What would you say to someone who feels enslaved to daydreaming and a desire to be in a relationship?

Daydreaming about Relationships

 

Dear Anon,

Daydreaming is a tool used by people to take themselves away from the “here & now”. When daydreaming  you tend to dream of ‘better days’ or desired/intended adventures and the like. Day dreams are usually fantasies, ideals and such, about your life and future. They can at times be unrealistic, which is why I believe you have to be very careful, especially if you feel enslaved by them.

Daydream – A series of pleasant thoughts that distract one’s attention from the present.

 ‘she was lost in a daydream’ – oxforddictionaries.com

When it comes to relationships, we all have ideals and expectations, reality hits once you then find yourself in a relationship; you now have ‘real’ (sometimes) unappealing or unattractive things to deal with. i.e You fantasied that the person of your dreams would automatically know why you are upset and immediately know the right thing to say to make you feel better. Yet in reality that doesn’t happen, we work at getting to know people. Loving and respecting them enough to express that you are upset and why – no one is a mind reader!

Or, you fantasise about having a “nice guy”, someone that will treat you right, yet in reality, you can’t stand the fact they are “so nice” and think something is wrong with them, don’t feel they can be trusted or you walk all over them…?

Instead of having your ‘head in the clouds’ or fantasising about relationships, it would be in your best interest to turn that into meditating on the truth about about relationships. Truthful, realistic expectations on characteristics of a spouse and things that you may desire in life.

So its not bad to want/desire to be in a relationship. But what are you focusing on?
Are you daydreaming that the guy has to be “sexy” (..tall, dark and handsome etc) or are you meditating on how you desire for a prayerful man that serves God?
There’s a difference!

Many a man proclaims his own loyalty and goodness, But who can find a faithful and trustworthy man? – Prov 20v6

A few recommendations for getting yourself out of the enslaved feeling of daydreaming:

  • It might seem hard, but try and stop day dreaming about relationships. When you catch yourself daydreaming, seize the thought /dream and check it. See if it’s healthy or unhealthy by the standards that you understand God to place on relationships.
  • Read more books on relationships. You want to get yourself ready for the right mindset and replace the daydreams with meaningful meditations that you’ll now have from the book/s.
  • Talk/befriend those in relationships or married couples. To get a better picture on what expectations they had and how they overcame them.
  • Find a way to walk-in/develop/practice/find out/actualise your purpose. When you are occupied with Gods work /your passion, you’ll have less time to worry about relationships. Guys will see you in your element, see what an amazing worker you are and be attracted to the passion you show. It’ll also help identify similarities or an appreciation for what you do and who you are.

Mrs Vito

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Did She Find Someone Else?

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Dear Mrs Vito,

I fell in love with my close female friend of many years. We decided to maintain a long distant relationship, when we went to different Universities in different countries. However now that I’ve graduated and shes still studying, contact is non existent. If we do communicate, mainly initiated by me, she shuts me out, i feel like shes now interested in someone else. 

 

Found Someone Else

Dear Anon,

For a couple that was in love, having non existent communication is a red flag of concern. Usually we find that our instincts are right.

Long distance relationships always need more effort in quality time, communication & care expressed. Unfortunately, distance wasn’t the only factor working against your relationship. University and the exploring of new experiences, activities, friends as well as studies, always effects relationships (positively & negatively). Its one thing to try and stay focused on your degree, but add an active social life and now we’ve got to make sacrifices.

Ideally, the love /care/concern that she is supposed to have for you, should reflect in her actions. A simple text/ quick call to check in on friends, family, people you care about is not that difficult & is easy to do, if that person wants to.

You’ve been doing the right thing, at least you have tried to keep in contact and made yourself available for communication, unfortunately you can not force someone else to do the same.

You may have to accept that she may have found someone else or is no longer interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. Either way, it would be unfair to ask or expect you to put your plans on hold for no guarantees. Be careful to not chase someone that doesn’t want to be chased, nor prioritises you in the same way.

Mrs Vito

I Think He Is Ghosting Me?…

Mrs Vito1 Comment

Dear Mrs Vito,

I work in the City and was bumping into a guy during my commutes, slowly our smiles turned into “Hellos” and
our “Hellos” turned into conversation, exchange in numbers and meet ups for drinks etc.
We get on so well, and I’ve been enjoying getting to know him.
But there are times when contact has been non existent. The 1st time it started to happen, it was only a few days with out contact, which I felt was normal, as we live busy lives. Then it was weeks with out contact and finally months.boyfriend is never around
When i’ve asked, he just says he has been busy, or he had to travel for work etc, but if he likes me why cant he just keep me posted? 

Dear Anon,

My general rule of thumb is that if someone is “ghosting” on you, they are not worth your time!

I believe that when he is around, he probably does like spending time with you. However that “Like” hasn’t caused him to respect your time, effort, or availability enough.

The act of “ghosting” on a person indicates that they are not that interested. What he is successfully doing is creating more confusion, by disappearing and then randomly appearing with no real justification; “busy” isn’t good enough, we are all busy, but you chose to make time. This behaviour is also quite controlling, because you are always waiting on him, there’s no equal footing in this dating-relationship.

Your over availability allows for him to come in and out of your life. He knows you are interested in him, because you are willing to entertain him even after his disappearing act. Set boundaries to safe guard your heart before you are too vested. You deserve more than the minimum he is offering, he should at least be trying to match your efforts with more consideration, quality time, care, respect, communication, trust, appreciation and friendship.

No one is saying that you can’t travel for work or personal reasons, but it is common courtesy to communicate your whereabouts with those that you love and care for. A basic act of respect by sending an e-mail, making a call or sending a text to state that you are out of town etc, is not too much to ask from anyone. But when someone thinks that they don’t have to, they won’t.

His “ghosting” sounds like its a habit, he may not be like this with everyone, but from what he is showing you, its unacceptable.
It wouldn’t be wise for you to accept such behaviour from him, because in the long run he could easily leave for longer and not think he needs to tell you where he is going or when he’ll be back. What you accept now, you will have to live with and will ultimately pay for later.

Mrs Vito