On a “Break” but his Ex-Girl is Pregnant

Dear Mrs Vito,

I had been with my boyfriend for under a year, things were good for a while until we hit a rocky period which resulted in us taking a break in our relationship. During that break he got his Ex-girlfriend pregnant and I found out from a mutual friend. I love him but I cant believe he slept with his Ex and she’s pregnant.

Dear Anon,

I usually say that if you have a “break” in your relationship, it is probably for a good reason. Now its not to say that things can’t be worked out, but that is only when you have two willing participants and from the sounds of things, your ex-boyfriend already found another way to occupy his time.

Obviously, there could be 100 reasons that lead to him and his ex girlfriend being in the same bed, but it doesn’t feel like you were at the forefront of his mind.
Some may say, what happens on a break is irrelevant, as you are now “single” again, and they have a fair point.

So my question is, what are you happy to deal with or compromise on? If you don’t mind the current set up then by all means get back together.
Try talking to him and see what he has to say, maybe he isn’t interested in getting back with you, maybe to him this situation is nothing serious.

I would encourage you to think about what kind of relationship you want. If this bothers you then cut your losses and focus on a man who is going to appreciate you.

Mrs Vito

Our First Fight

first fight in relationship

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months since a few days ago and we recently had our first relationship fight. It was concerning how every time we made plans together, it would never happen due to something always happening the day of or day before concerning him. The last time we saw each other has been a week ago, where we were supposed to have plans but he had to go home because he pulled an all nighter in addition to being sick. That made me angry and so I brought it up over text the next day wanting to talk about it. He ignored me that day, and then waited until the day after to reply back. Yes, yes, texting isn’t the best way to solving problems, but I couldn’t meet up with him as you know the fight is also about not being able to meet up with him when planned. After our fight, we resolved much of what we argued about. We told each other how we felt, and in the end how we would improve and such. I thought it wasn’t too bad of a conclusion. The day after, he was a bit cold, for example, instead of saying the usual “Morning Babe <3” it turned to a “Morning!” I know I shouldn’t expect things to smooth out so quickly and understood there was still some tension and awkwardness between us, so I let it go for a day. The next day turned out to be the same, and here I am today, 3 days later, and him still acting the same way. A bit cold, and a feeling of distance. I feel like I’m the one trying hard to keep being sweet and loving to him and keeping the convo going as well as I can, while he just answers and that’s all. He hasn’t even asked me how my day was the past days, or what I’ve done. Considering not having been able to see him for a week, should I ask him to hang out? I feel that hanging out again finally would help us move on and get back on the right road, a better one than now, but then again I feel that I should instead wait for him to ask me to hangout instead because I’ve asked him out many times, where he hasn’t actually been able to show up. I actually do want to see him as I miss not spending time with him. I wonder if he feels the same. Should I wait for him to ask me? Will this tension go away soon, as he might need more time to cool down? Or am I just being a total worry wart and just relax. How should I handle this coldness; approach him about it, or stop and ignore it?

The first thing that stands out to me is the lack of time or priority for spending time together; which seems to be more on his part.

In a relationship a basic need that’s required is┬áSpending Quality Time together. If you are the only one that values this then may be you should consider finding someone else. It’s normal to want to spend time with him, its normal that you miss him but does he miss you?

Secondly texting really isn’t the best method of communicating. Texting leaves room for assuming, ignoring the other person, mis-interpreting key thoughts and feelings. My advice is that you get into the culture of calling each other, regardless of how you feel or what happened. This way you get a better idea of the persons tone, they then have the opportunity to explain properly.

However, from what you’re saying I see that there is;

1) No Integrity (i.e says he wants to meet up, but something else always gets in the way)

2) No Communication (there is now room for mis-understandings & assumptions)

3) No Clarity (you are having to second guess what’s going on & worry, when it could be resolved with him being honest with you)

His responses are clearly a┬ásign that he isn’t happy with something or that he is not interested; if he is going to hold a grudge and not forgive, you’ll find yourself grovelling to him regularly. It isn’t fair for you to respond positively, showing that you’ve gotten over it yet he wants to act ‘cold’ towards someone he has claimed to care for.

You asked if you are being a ‘”worry wart”, I believe you are but that’s because he has given you reason to worry. I always say that…

“It’s not wrong for a Woman to want to feel Secure in a relationship. Your Man should make you feel Secure by Communicating his wants & needs, telling you how he feels about you, doing what he says & spending time with you. Most times a Woman acts ‘Needy’ because the Guy doesn’t Communicate with her, insists on going places with out her, keeps secrets and acts shady” – @LolasWord

You need to place a value on yourself. See yourself as an asset that he is lucky to have in his life. You need to ask yourself are you happy being treated this way? Is this how you treat people? Because that should be your measure, if you know that you want to be treated the same way you treat others then seek to find someone who has the same beliefs and values.

If he was concerned about you or cared for you, he would prioritise you, when men want something they pursue it, they go after it. So let him pursue you & go after you. Stop being so available for someone who clearly isn’t interested. Wait and let him make the first move to repair this & instigate if he wants to hang out with you. It’ll help you know whether he is actually committed to you or if this was all just a convenient relationship.

xoxo

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Love & Blessings

@Lolasword

First Date Deal Breaker

date1

“You have an amazing evening with a handsome, intelligent man, the date goes really really well…and then at the END he invites you back to his place for sex. 1st date! Do you dismiss him ? Even though he apologizes and states that sex on the 1st date is what a lot of women do these days after an expensive night on the town, but he is GLAD that you’re different and wants to see you again????”

Regardless of how Handsome or Intelligent the Man is, an invitation for Sex on the First Date is way too far.

Caution: If Sex on the first date is what other girls offer, how many girls has he taken up on this offer?

Seeing this Man again will depend on what you place an importance on. What do you value most? Are you bothered by what you’ve just been asked? How much Respect do you place on your self / on your body? Does he have the right to sample something he hasn’t made a ring sacrifice for? – All I know is that I would be offended.

As a Virtuous Woman, who wants to be Loved by the Right Man if you know you deserve more and To be honest if he is ‘GLAD’ that you are different, then he will appreciate your decline and/or serious talking to.

If in fact you declined & explained that you were not interested and were put off by his request, would he be willing to still show interest in you and continue Courting you?

There’s no harm in continuing your dates, but only with clear guidelines that there will be no sex before marriage, you need to be realistic, consciously or unconsciously he has put a disclaimer out there ‘I’m interested in Sex’. Question is how many ‘Expensive’ dates will you take before you ‘give it up?’. To me it sounds as if He knows the right things to say.

Do not be enticed or seduced by money, flashy, shiny, expensive, designer things – you will find yourself enslaved to it!

Would it make a difference if I said Don’t fall in to that trap, start as you mean to go on & that’s with a Faithful, Confident, Loving and Respectful Man where you’re both aiming for a Monogamous Relationship.

Place a higher value on a persons Character, don’t get it twisted, every one has control over what they say & every one is aware of what they say. So for him to think a simple apology is good enough to pacify your concern is unacceptable. He knew what he was asking and decided to take a risk in asking it.

Guard your Heart!

xoxo

Please feel free to subscribe and leave your comments. For Learning Engagements, Problems & Personal Development Enquiries send your emails to; Info.fybconnection@gmail.com

Love & Blessings

@Lolasword