Obsessed with Women

man looking at woman
“As a 20 something year old man, i find that i’m very obsessed about women.
I find myself looking at almost any and every woman in a lustful manner, staring at their breasts and ass.
I try to control myself but it only works sometimes and doesn’t last long and I end up looking at them even more.
I watch porn to satisfy my desires, it helps me to calm down myself. After masturbating I feel much better.
Is it ok for me to do this? Is watching porn wrong?
Please help.”
The first step in changing is acknowledging that there is a problem.
Firstly, watching Porn does not help your situation, despite feeling “calm” after watching Porn or feeling “much better” after Masturbating. This only causes a short term satisfaction, that keeps you wanting more. Porn & Masturbation are addictive and have dire consequences in regards to difficulty in maintaining relationships.
Secondly, Porn is Fantasy and can never match Reality. It will distort your image of women and relationships and hinders the (real sexual/intimate) experience you would like to have with your wife. You need to be aware that your Porn use, plus masturbation perpetuates your opinion on women and how you see them, thus creating a cycle.
Right now, Porn and Masturbation has been given a hold in your life, its been given control and is now causing you to focus on women in more of a demeaning way i.e only focussing on their breasts or ass.
You may think that this issue is more to do with hormones or how you feel, when actually it’s more to do with control of your mind. Its possible that the “Lustful” Obsession you have could have stemmed from Porn. Nonetheless this perception of women is also feeding your problem. You need to change your perception on Women, Relationships and Sex.
Do not allow yourself to be a slave to addictions such as Porn & Masturbation. Start telling yourself that the right kind of Relationship is one that is Monogamous, where both people are faithful, trustworthy, show love & respect to each other.
My questions to you are; What are you involved in? What are your aims/goal/ambitions/passions in life? Are you currently working? Because if you lack direction it can also feel difficult to replace the activities you currently find yourself in.
In changing your behaviour, you will need to be Self-disciplined and Take Control of your urges. Systems that you will Need to put in place to help you:
– Dispose of/ bin, get rid of, delete any Pornographic material you have. (on your PC/Laptop/phone/Books/Magazines etc)
– Install Anti-Porn software on your devices.
– Find someone you trust friend/mentor/pastor etc to be your accountability partner and talk to them when you get urges
– Start reading books on Relationships, Men/Women and Marriage to re-educate your mind.
– Keep yourself busy, get involved in activities, hobbies, socialise, work on a project.
– Don’t isolate yourself
– Pray
– Be persistent and be patient
xoxo

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Love & Blessings

@Lolasword

Our First Fight

first fight in relationship

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months since a few days ago and we recently had our first relationship fight. It was concerning how every time we made plans together, it would never happen due to something always happening the day of or day before concerning him. The last time we saw each other has been a week ago, where we were supposed to have plans but he had to go home because he pulled an all nighter in addition to being sick. That made me angry and so I brought it up over text the next day wanting to talk about it. He ignored me that day, and then waited until the day after to reply back. Yes, yes, texting isn’t the best way to solving problems, but I couldn’t meet up with him as you know the fight is also about not being able to meet up with him when planned. After our fight, we resolved much of what we argued about. We told each other how we felt, and in the end how we would improve and such. I thought it wasn’t too bad of a conclusion. The day after, he was a bit cold, for example, instead of saying the usual “Morning Babe <3” it turned to a “Morning!” I know I shouldn’t expect things to smooth out so quickly and understood there was still some tension and awkwardness between us, so I let it go for a day. The next day turned out to be the same, and here I am today, 3 days later, and him still acting the same way. A bit cold, and a feeling of distance. I feel like I’m the one trying hard to keep being sweet and loving to him and keeping the convo going as well as I can, while he just answers and that’s all. He hasn’t even asked me how my day was the past days, or what I’ve done. Considering not having been able to see him for a week, should I ask him to hang out? I feel that hanging out again finally would help us move on and get back on the right road, a better one than now, but then again I feel that I should instead wait for him to ask me to hangout instead because I’ve asked him out many times, where he hasn’t actually been able to show up. I actually do want to see him as I miss not spending time with him. I wonder if he feels the same. Should I wait for him to ask me? Will this tension go away soon, as he might need more time to cool down? Or am I just being a total worry wart and just relax. How should I handle this coldness; approach him about it, or stop and ignore it?

The first thing that stands out to me is the lack of time or priority for spending time together; which seems to be more on his part.

In a relationship a basic need that’s required is Spending Quality Time together. If you are the only one that values this then may be you should consider finding someone else. It’s normal to want to spend time with him, its normal that you miss him but does he miss you?

Secondly texting really isn’t the best method of communicating. Texting leaves room for assuming, ignoring the other person, mis-interpreting key thoughts and feelings. My advice is that you get into the culture of calling each other, regardless of how you feel or what happened. This way you get a better idea of the persons tone, they then have the opportunity to explain properly.

However, from what you’re saying I see that there is;

1) No Integrity (i.e says he wants to meet up, but something else always gets in the way)

2) No Communication (there is now room for mis-understandings & assumptions)

3) No Clarity (you are having to second guess what’s going on & worry, when it could be resolved with him being honest with you)

His responses are clearly a sign that he isn’t happy with something or that he is not interested; if he is going to hold a grudge and not forgive, you’ll find yourself grovelling to him regularly. It isn’t fair for you to respond positively, showing that you’ve gotten over it yet he wants to act ‘cold’ towards someone he has claimed to care for.

You asked if you are being a ‘”worry wart”, I believe you are but that’s because he has given you reason to worry. I always say that…

“It’s not wrong for a Woman to want to feel Secure in a relationship. Your Man should make you feel Secure by Communicating his wants & needs, telling you how he feels about you, doing what he says & spending time with you. Most times a Woman acts ‘Needy’ because the Guy doesn’t Communicate with her, insists on going places with out her, keeps secrets and acts shady” – @LolasWord

You need to place a value on yourself. See yourself as an asset that he is lucky to have in his life. You need to ask yourself are you happy being treated this way? Is this how you treat people? Because that should be your measure, if you know that you want to be treated the same way you treat others then seek to find someone who has the same beliefs and values.

If he was concerned about you or cared for you, he would prioritise you, when men want something they pursue it, they go after it. So let him pursue you & go after you. Stop being so available for someone who clearly isn’t interested. Wait and let him make the first move to repair this & instigate if he wants to hang out with you. It’ll help you know whether he is actually committed to you or if this was all just a convenient relationship.

xoxo

Please feel free to subscribe and leave your comments. For Learning Engagements, Problems & Personal Development Enquiries send your emails to; Info.fybconnection@gmail.com

Love & Blessings

@Lolasword